This Is Us

I feel content.

I am lying here, late at night, or early in the morning, depending upon your perspective, and my heart feels full.

My fiancée has had an incredibly rough couple of weeks. My heart has been hurting for her. A lot.

I hate feeling powerless. I hate knowing there’s nothing much I can do. Fuck, I solve problems for a living. I make things happen. It’s what I fucking do. So being in a situation where I have to sit on my hands and fucking wait is aggravating as fuck.

But she is finally here.

Right now, at quarter to three in the goddamned morning, I am lying in bed, fingers clanking on the keyboard, and I can hear her breathing beside me.

And that warms my heart so fucking much.

It’s funny. I have known that she’s needed time to herself. I’ve intrinsically known this, and goddamnit, I have tried so hard to give her that space. But I am also so goddamned happy that she’s here that I just want to hug her all the time.

And I pointed that out to her.

I said something like, “Yeah, I know I’m probably annoying you, but I can’t help but hug you right now.”

She confirmed what I already knew with something along the lines of, “Yeah, you’re annoying the fuck out of me right now.”

And I fucking laughed.

Because I knew it. She knew it. I knew she knew it.

And yet, I just couldn’t fucking help myself.

But love is like that, isn’t it?

And yet, she was there for me as well.

I try really hard to be there for her in whatever way she needs, even when being there for her means giving her space. But I had a fucking hard day yesterday. The kind of hard day involving something I’ve always had to shoulder alone.

But she saw me.

She knew.

And even though she wasn’t in the mood for much of anything, she was there for me too.

And all of this has my heart so fucking full right now.

This weekend, we’ll work to make our house a home.

Our home.

Yeah, there’s probably going to be a sore back on the other side of this. There will be shit to move, things to rearrange, decisions to make, and probably at least one moment where one of us wonders why the fuck we own whatever stupid thing we’re currently trying to find a place for.

But it’s going to be our home.

And that really fucking matters.

I’m not sure there needs to be some profound fucking lesson in this piece. I don't think there's some grand revelation hiding underneath the blankets waiting for me to discover it.

My heart is content.

My heart is full.

And even though life’s turmoil is still lurking somewhere around the edges, right now, I’m calm.

Actually fucking calm.

And while I was writing this, Dawna must have needed to know I was there.

In her sleep, she rolled over toward me.

I instinctively wrapped my arm around her, awkwardly moved my tablet to the side, and pulled her in close. She accepted the gesture and became the little spoon, and I just held her.

Tight.

Her body folded into mine.

And I stopped writing for a moment.

Because my life right now?

It feels… right.

There are no struggles in this moment. There are no conflicts. No problems waiting for me to solve. No battles I need to fight. No foul words waiting at the edges.

Just her breathing.

My arm around her.

Our bed.

Our home.

This is peace.

This is calm.

This is us.