Fuck You, AARP

So there I was, watching Hulu, suffering through commercials because I’m too cheap for the ad-free plan. Suddenly, an elderly woman appears on the screen with a confused look on her face. She stares at her phone like it’s written in cuneiform. The room darkens. Her entire life savings drain out of her account into the hands of some scammer prince. Cue ominous music. Cue panic.

And then comes the pitch. The salvation. The protector of the feeble: AARP.

Here’s the problem. Who is AARP for? People over 50. Who does that include? Generation X. You know, the generation that invented the fucking internet? The ones who spent their 20s coding websites in HTML 1.0, setting Napster on fire, and inventing memes before they were called memes? Yeah, those people.

And yet, here come these marketing interns pulling six figures to tell me that, because I’m over 50, I can’t tell the difference between a phishing scam and my Gmail inbox. Excuse me? I was downloading porn at 14.4 kbps while you were still eating glue and calling it lunch.

When you’re 30, you laugh at people in their 50s. When you’re 40, you sign your buddy up for the AARP mailing list as a joke. But the second you hit 49, the offers start flying in: Join now! Elite status! Ten percent off at Walgreens! Like we’re supposed to drool into our pudding at the thought.

They pitch themselves as the premier American organization for older adults. Premier! Except the only requirement is that you’re over 50 and willing to cough up a few bucks a month. Then, in exchange, they’ll “protect” you from yourself. Because apparently, once you hit 50, all you’re good for is talking about applesauce, bowel movements, and the “olden days” when phones had cords.

Meanwhile, the reality: the average 50-year-old today is running ultramarathons, managing five Slack channels, and keeping three side hustles alive just to make rent. Half of us are still raising kids. The other half are parenting our parents. And somehow we’re supposed to be the feeble ones?

And here’s the kicker: I literally asked ChatGPT to remind me to write this rant. Pretty sophisticated for someone who can’t even remember their Apple ID, huh?

So hey, AARP. Fuck you.

Sincerely,
Generation X.
(Sent from my phone. While standing up.)