Get the Fuck Out of the Left Lane

Jesus H. Fucking Christ handing out candy on fucking Christmas.

What the fucking hell happened to driving in this country? Can someone tell me that? Please? Pretty fucking please with sugar on top?

I've talked about them before, and goddammit, I'll keep fucking talking about them until they figure it the fuck out.

What am I talking about?

Left-lane campers, of course.

Those entitled fucktards who drive in the left lane when they're not passing anybody. Nobody beside them. Nobody in front of them. Miles of perfectly good pavement stretching out ahead, and they're just sitting there driving in the fucking left lane as if they're not doing anything wrong.

But they are.

America is weaker because of these fucking cocksuckers.

A rider loses her wing tattoo every fucking time one of these cunts camps out there.

Here's the part that apparently became complicated somewhere along the way: We drive on the right-hand side of the fucking road in this country. Traffic moves right. Passing traffic moves left. You pass, and then, and I realize I'm introducing an extraordinarily difficult concept here, you move the fuck back over.

The left lane isn't the "I'm going 68 in a 65, so I deserve to be here" fucking lane. It isn't the "I'm going faster than that guy way the fuck up there" lane. It isn't even the fucking speeding lane.

This is going to come as a shock to some of you fuckers, but here it is: It's the passing lane.

Yep.

That's why you see those nifty little signs telling you to keep right except to pass. They're not decorative. They're not roadside affirmations. They're not suggestions placed there by the Department of Transportation to give you something pleasant to contemplate while you camp beside a fucking semi for the next eleven miles.

They mean keep fucking right except to pass.

And here's where left-lane campers turn their stupidity into everybody else's problem. Traffic stacks up behind them. People get frustrated. Faster traffic starts looking for another way around, which means vehicles begin changing lanes and passing on the right because Captain Fuckstick has appointed himself guardian of the left lane.

Now you've taken what could have been incredibly fucking simple faster vehicle approaches, slower vehicle moves right, faster vehicle passes, everybody continues with their goddamned day, and turned it into a clusterfuck of unnecessary lane changes.

And motorcycles are stuck in that shit with everybody else.

So yeah, I'm a fucking asshole about it. A BIG fucking asshole.

Because you motherfuckers already put riders in danger with every stupid fucking thing you do. If you aren't yakking on your phone, you're staring at the fucking thing while trying to drive with your knee. You're drifting across lane markers. You're changing lanes without looking. And now you're sitting in the left lane forcing traffic to reorganize itself around you because apparently moving twelve fucking feet to the right is simply too much to ask.

So I get behind you.

And I wait.

And then I start nodding my head toward the right, over and fucking over, trying to move you with the sheer force of my increasingly homicidal fucking thoughts.

Move.

The.

Fuck.

Over.

And you'll just sit there.

Picking your fucking nose.

Eventually, when I finally have room to get around you, you'll see my left hand go up. No, I'm not waving. I'll stick my thumb out and gesture toward the right.

Once.

Twice.

Maybe three fucking times.

I'm trying to communicate something.

Move. The fuck. Over.

I'm not asking you to speed. I'm not asking you to ride my pace. I'm not asking you to violate whatever deeply held personal relationship you've developed with your cruise control.

I'm asking you to be fucking predictable.

Pass the vehicle.

Move right.

Let the next person pass.

That's it. That's the whole fucking system.

We don't need an app. We don't need an awareness campaign. We don't need Bluetooth-enabled lane-assistance underwear that vibrates your asshole whenever somebody approaches from behind.

We just need people to remember one incredibly fucking simple thing: If you're not passing somebody, get the fuck out of the left lane.

And make no mistake about it: if you're one of those motherfuckers who camps there mile after mile while traffic stacks up behind you, I fucking hate you.

You should probably know that.